Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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