im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
