There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
