my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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