I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
