You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
