Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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