I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
well you can't waste a boner
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
