I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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