he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
