I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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