My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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