We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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