Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
