so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
