It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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