One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Can you bring me the toilet please
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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