At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
