I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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