Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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