you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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