Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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