i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
