My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
