Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
