how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
