dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
