you didnt know i had herpes?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
