cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
