Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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