woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
