For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
