Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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