remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
