I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
