Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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