so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
