he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
