i just had sex bonerless
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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