I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
