Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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