I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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