Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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