Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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