her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
organizing the empties. That sober.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
