We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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