but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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