So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
