Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
