Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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