Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
