you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
