I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
